A British tourist has slammed Australia – where he spent three weeks over Christmas – as being ‘just too nice to live in’ and for its ‘trivial inconveniences’.
Journalist Jack Kessler also moaned that in London his looks mark him as ‘a solid seven’, but in Australia, where ‘everyone is beach body-ready’, he was only a five.
Aussies in turn have slammed his views on coffee, flip-flops and pasty skin.
Furious commenters on Facebook even told Kessler he was ‘not a seven in any continent or time zone’.
Jack Kessler (pictured) moaned that in London his looks mark him as ‘a solid seven’, but in Australia, where he reckons ‘everyone is beach body-ready’, he was only a five
Mr Kessler’s article in London freesheet the Evening Standard started out positively, saying that after a few days in Sydney he could picture himself living there.
But his very next sentence said ‘stay a little while longer and you quickly come to realise you scarcely understand it at all’.
He gave a backhanded compliment by saying his first week in Australia was ‘a world of prelapsarian (innocent) delights.
‘A time machine back to, if not quite the womb, then perhaps the mid-Noughties, only with Uber.’
Kessler then wrote a series of cliches and exaggerations about what food Aussies like (aioli is the condiment of choice), their clothes (shorts are ‘standard dress for men’) and how they love to swear (the C-word is ‘a term of endearment’, he reckons).
He said after a week of living in Sydney’s ‘bourgeois eastern shores, with its harbour views and sea breeze’, he felt like such a local that he too could only ‘pity those living in the stifling western suburbs’.
Jack Kessler complained that the good looking residents of Sydney’s eastern suburbs made him feel less attractive. Pictured are people on Bondi Beach
Kessler’s article in the Evening Standard – a London freesheet – said he was ‘in reasonable shape for London’
But he soon began to get annoyed with ‘the sort of trivial inconveniences that residents endure but tourists often overlook’.
Kessler said he liked Australia’s coffee, ‘but try getting one after 3.30pm’. He then complained that his thongs gave him blisters.
And then came a moment of supreme weirdness, where he said ‘it began to feel weird living in a country that did not have an independent nuclear deterrent’.
This was the final straw for some commenters, and brought out one of the Aussie traits Kessler forgot to mention and exaggerate – sarcasm.
‘I’m often crippled with anxiety about not having an independent nuclear deterrent and rarely make it through to the end of the week,’ wrote one.
Commenters on Facebook soon told Kessler he was not a seven in any continent or time zone
‘I often judge my holiday destinations on their independent nuclear deterrent offerings, to be honest,’ said another.
Some posters took issue with both Kessler’s coffee and nuclear comments.
‘Pasty Englishman stays in Sydney’s most expensive beachside suburbs and develops insecurity complex, possibly brought on by a lack of coffee after 3pm, and fear of a one-sided nuclear war,’ wrote one.
Even some of his fellow Londoner’s didn’t agree with him, with one saying ‘I moved from London to South Australia in 2007 and it was the best thing ever.
‘The lifestyle choices here are fantastic and my health improved dramatically. Never been back to the UK and no plans to.’
Kessler said while he liked the coffee in Australia, he was unable to ‘get one after 3.30pm’. Pictured is a cappuccino
Kessler’s rush to judgement touched a raw never with many, especially the poster who wrote ‘A guy who says he was “living” in a country when there for 3 weeks, is the kind of guy to say he “backpacked” around Asia after hotel hopping from Tokyo to Seoul.
‘I don’t trust those kind of people.’
Perhaps the most perceptive, and sarcastic, commenter was the one who wrote ‘The nice clean fresh air and ocean views and sandy beaches were not a match for the gloominess or the thick air of London underground.’
After pointing out that Australia’s ‘GDP per capita is 30 per cent higher than in the UK’, Kessler finished his piece with another backhanded compliment, writing that ‘My theory is the country is just too nice to live in.
‘Aussies are suffering from the lesser-spotted high-income trap.’
The commenter who wrote that ‘sounds like you wouldn’t be happy anywhere’ summed up how many felt.